


peace will come (when one of us points down the gun)

by Stars_dreaming (orphan_account)



Series: 88 MCU drabbles and oneshots [63]
Category: Avengers (Comics), Black Widow (Comics), Hawkeye (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Go away!!!!!, Happy Ending, IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE MOVIE YET, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Polyamory, SPOILERS!!!, Sort Of, Spoilers, turn away, turn away!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 16:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18673099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Stars_dreaming
Summary: "The universe is an asshole," she tells Sam one morning.He snorts and then they both start crying.





	peace will come (when one of us points down the gun)

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR ENDGAME SPOILERS 
> 
> YOU'VE BEEN WARNED
> 
> if you still read it, it's at your own risk.

She doesn't go with them to Vormir to retrieve the Soul Stone. 

No, she stays behind to control the panels and make sure nothing happens. It's okay, though, because she knows she's in no shape to travel in time.

 

And, in hindsight, when she thinks about it, she should have known. She already knew. 

And she thinks Natasha did too. 

 

In a flash, all of them are back on the platform - all but one. 

And she chokes up and presses a hand to her mouth to make as little sound as possible while her legs give out and she falls to the floor. 

Because she knows - she  _knows -_ that there's no going back and Natasha is  _gone._

 

It still feels weird to think about it. She still remembers the three of them in Budapest, pressed back to back, facing all their enemies together, on the ground, even though she's a flyer and Clint is the archer and they both like to stay above the battleground to get a good view. 

And she remembers just how annoyed she was with the fact that she had to fight on the ground then, but now she knows why Natasha barged in without any idea. 

Because she trusted Clint and Y/N to have her back. 

 

And now Y/N lies in bed next to Clint, and still the bed feels so  _fucking empty._

And she knows she has to let go, she has to let Nat go but she just can't. 

And she knows that they've always faced their fears, she's always done that, no matter what, but this. This is just too much. 

 

Almost everyone gets their happy ending and Y/N knows she has to be happy but she can only stare at the sky and wish that she had gone with them - that it had been her. 

Because she and Clint love each other, they do, but they have an entirely different connection than Nat and Clint did. 

She has the fleeting thought that Nat was the glue that held all three of them together, but she discards it as quickly as possible. That's not true, and she knows it. 

 

But maybe she was. 

It's an outright battlefield in their heads now and she can't help him because she doesn't know  _what_ to do. 

 

And then Steve leaves, without telling them. And Y/N just stands there and she can't even cry. 

Because Tony -  _their_ Tony - is gone and he left Pepper and Morgan and all of them behind but it started with Nat. 

And Y/N thought that it couldn't get worse but apparently it could. 

 

"The universe is an asshole," she tells Sam one morning. He snorts and then they both start crying.

 

She realizes hours later, when she's gardening, that she doesn't want to face her fears. She's just too scared, too afraid to do so. 

She's scared of doing it alone. 

 

And she considers asking Rhodey, because he's her best friend, or else Sam, but eventually she decides against it because they don't know and they don't understand how she feels. 

 

Once she encountered a woman on the street and she told her about her loss and the woman simply shook her head and asked her, "But you still have Clint. Why are you so upset?" 

And she had to use all her willpower to not hit that woman square in the face. 

Because it's not like that. Yeah, sure, she still has someone she sleeps next to (and that's mostly it, but that's not the point right now) but she used to have two people to sleep next to. And the bed feels empty without Nat pressed against her and the room feels too quiet without Nat's quiet muttering in Russian or Nat sharpening her daggers. 

She lost her friend, her soulmate.

And there's nothing,  _nothing,_ that's going to get Nat back.

 

Weeks after her funeral, Y/N goes through Nat's stuff in Y/N's old bedroom. 

And then an envelope falls from the top shelf. Y/N stares at it in shock, because that's Nat's handwriting right there. Y/N, it says, in her curly handwriting. 

So Y/N opens it. 

 

 _Dear Y/N,_ she reads. 

_Love of my life. You're a light in my darkness. Together with Clint, you hold me and ground me and you convince me that love isn't for children. (Maybe it is but then I'm lucky to be a child)_

_I'm not sure what to say. It feels surreal, writing this. And I have to admit that my hands are shaking while I hold the pen because I'm scared._

_I am so fucking scared, Y/N._

At that, Y/N sobs. Nat was scared. And she wishes she could go back in time and hold her and tell her it was going to be okay, even though it wasn't.

_But I need you to know that whatever happens, I've made peace with it._

_You're my family, don't get me wrong, and I would love nothing more than to wake up next to you and Clint everyday, but the thing is... maybe this is it. I feel like it's over, I've felt like that since we killed Thanos._

_After that, it just felt... over._

_And now I'm writing this and everything becomes clear for me. Because we're a battlefield, you, Clint and I. We thought that we could do this - and we did! - but it got so messed up in the end._

_And I think I can make peace with it once we lay down our weapons. So I'm going to lay down my weapons here, in front of you, and I'm going to tell you the truth._

_I knew this was coming. As soon as I heard we had to go to Vormir and Nebula and I talked, I've known._

_It's funny. For some reason it just felt right. That I don't outlive the two of you. Do you know how much it hurt to know that because of that formula I was going to outlive you? So yes, it felt right. It feels right. And I don't like the idea of leaving you, but you're strong and he is too, and you can hold on to each other while I'm not there. Just please don't run. Face your fears. Don't run, Y/N. Don't lock yourself up in your head. I know you and I know exactly what you're going to do. Because you're like me and I'm like you._

_I understand it's going to be hard._

_But what I had with the two of you - and with you alone - I wouldn't trade it for the world, even though I'm going to walk to my deathbed tomorrow. And to hear your laugh one last time and to feel your kiss one last time; it's an honour. I love you. You know that._

_Thank you, Y/N. You made me believe again and you made me smile again. You made me love again. Whether it be you or Clint or the sun outside or the rain clattering against the windows._

_I've done what I needed to do. I saved and I protected and I've finally made up for all the red in my ledger._

_So I can go. I feel at peace with it._

 

_I love you. Don't forget me._

 

_Natalia Romanova_

 

Y/N stares at the letter in her hands.  _Don't forget about me._ "Don't forget about the sacrifice I made," she can hear Natasha say. "Don't throw it away." 

 

"Nat wrote me a letter," she says as soon as she steps into the room. Clint looks up from his bow. He looks tired and sad and Y/N wants to wrap her arms around him and never let go. 

She hands him the letter and it takes him exactly five minutes before he's crying again. And she gives in to her needs. She embraces him and kisses him - presses their foreheads together, like she knew Nat did on Vormir.

"It's okay," she whispers, and she knows it is. It hits her like a bomb. It  _is_ okay. Nat found peace.

 

They visit her grave, that's next to Tony's. 

"They would probably laugh at us now," Y/N hears herself say to Clint, who's standing next to her. His hand is in hers and for the first time in months Y/N feels okay. 

"I miss her," Clint croaks. Y/N nods. "I do too. But she will never truly leave. We need to cherish our memories with that." 

 

She kisses Clint next to Nat's grave, and she knows Nat's okay with it, and she knows it's all more than okay. 

 

A few years later, Steve's grave ends up next to Tony's. They're all there, and Y/N can finally breathe. 

The fight is over. It's finally _over._

 

Later, when it's raining, she laughs. 

Clint looks up from his book. 

She throws her head in her neck and she laughs, genuine. 

"What is it?" Clint asks. 

"I'm just..." she tilts her head back and looks at him, her lips curling into a smile. "I'm happy," she says, and Clint smiles too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Battlefield by Lea Michelle. Mayor Clintasha feels, especially after Endgame. Her death (and Tony's too by the way) still makes me cry.


End file.
